Two keys in a pocket

I woke up feeling blessed today.

It's Father's Day and already my family back home had been abuzz since I dedicated a story to my Pa in last week's Starmag.

(If you missed it, here's the link:
 http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2011/6/12/lifefocus/8849264&sec=lifefocus)

How often do you get the chance to tell the world about how your parent's contributions made you who you are today? My father was very cool about it though- he just laughed it off, saying that it is 'just another one of my daughter's stories- and you do know she's tells good stories, don't you?'.

I feel lucky to have come from a complete family, with both parents around, a good relationship with all my siblings and more. The irony is that I didn't always feel this way. I grew up feeling (or rather griping) about how dysfunctional our family is, with a stepmother who doesn't think and speak the same language, a father who keeps siding her, a grandmother who fanned the flames while she lived.

The worse was when the family almost fell apart because of my marriage to a non-Chinese. My father had said then he regretted marrying my stepmom because 'two keys in a pocket tend to clang', meaning my natural mom would probably have been more understanding if she was still around.

Today, I thank God they had not fallen apart because of me, because my stepmom takes care of my father really well, far better than we will ever do (even far better than the way we care for our husbands).

Maybe you see the world differently after the age of 40. Maybe it's being a mum. Maybe it's because I've seen much worse scenarios of broken families in my line of work that I now know our family is more 'normal' than I used to think.

Then there's the editors who agreed to run my story, the PR fellas who didn't disagree when I proposed my story, the photographer who saw to things even though I wasn't present to give directions on what kind of shot I wanted for my story. In a nutshell, it all turned out beautifully, as it should.

Makes me wonder how many of our kids will be paying us tribute 20 years down the line. I'm not sure if we're getting it right with the kiddoes now- but I do hope that simply trying is good enough, as opposed to sitting around and hoping that it will happen automatically. Society today is unlike that before- and I'm not confident they will turn out right without proper guidance, the way we did in the past.

My Pa said he really didn't do much...in a way it's true. All he did was to be there when we needed him. That alone was good enough for us back then. Would the same apply for our kids today? I really don't know.

All I know is that life is good, alhumdulilah. There's more to look forward to. Can't wait!

Could this be the Law Of Attraction?

If you were born in the 70s, you would surely know the popular movie 'The Sinking Of Japan' where a huge tsunami came and wiped the country off the map. Ultraman cartoons are always portraying monsters who came and ripped off nuclear power stations, sending people running helter-skelter.

That's not all; the Japanese government are world leaders in disaster management: every year, they send experts to tsunami and earthquake prone areas to provide training to children and populations on what to do in the event of a natural disaster. Huge amounts of government money are spent in these goodwill missions to share their knowledge and experience, as a country highly vulnerable to natural disasters themself.

Yet it seems like nothing could have prepared them for what is happening at this moment in time in Japan. My heart goes out to the people of Japan, who after being hit by earthquakes, tsunamis and nuclear power plant disasters, are now faced with snow and biting-cold weather. I pray it will be over soon, in one way or another. This is surely the greatest test of human resilence in the history of mankind. Makes me wonder if any other country would have managed the situation as well if it had happened anywhere else on this planet.

What hits me as the biggest irony is that this is what every Japanese had been trained for, all their lives. They are primed for natural disaster. They expect it. They knew it was coming.

With an entire population expecting this to happen, would it have garnered enough momentum to get the Universe to set it in motion? It really didn't matter whether your thoughts are positive or negative- but once you have it in mind, you have given it the possibility (however remote) of coming true somehow. With monthly tsunami drills, nuclear power disasters-inspired cartoons, even a blockbuster movie about the country being wiped off the map and sinking under the sea, it's almost as though they had unconsciously 'thought' it into reality.

It's scary to know powerful the human mind really is. I remember going to Pangkor Laut Resort last year for a 3-day trip with my battery-loaded camera. On the luxurious yatch enroute the island, my sponsor asked if I brought my camera charger, and I'd confidently replied that my battery could safely last for the next 3 days.

"Are you sure?" she'd asked skeptically. Her concern drove into my bones, as a tiny voice whispered to me that perhaps she was right. My battery usually lasts for 3 days, no doubt about it, I nervously said. But deep down, I had started to share her fear.

True enough, my camera charger died after the second night, something which I'd not expected. I came up with various excuses when I had to switch from my SLR  to a compact on the last day. The experience left me shaken- when two strong-minded people thought of something (the possibility of my battery running flat), it had actually happened.

Chance, you say? Possibly. But what if it was not? Could we have possibly 'attracted' the battery to die on me?

We'll never know...but this I know for certain - one should never underestimate the power of Thought. This is what they call Personal Mastery: controlling the way you think because your thoughts define your action,and your action determines your destiny.

What are you thinking about today?

Have you ever regretted being a freelancer?

Li Shian, a fellow journalist from a malay publication, threw this question at me today. Strangely enough, I never stopped to think about it that way. Not in terms of regrets anyway, since every path we take in life will have its ups and downs.

But yes, being a freelancer- what do I miss about working full-time? How about these:

1) Job perks. No one will offer you promotions, medical benefits, annual leave, annual bonus, company trips. You've got to create your own job perks to stay motivated.

2) Colleagues. Freelancing is a very lonely world; you don't get people coming over to say hello, invite you for lunch, sharing the latest gossip or birthday cake. If you're getting too much of these at your workplace, you'll probably say good riddance to all these- but try working solo for two decades and you'll see what I mean. Freelancers seldom get a chance to form deep friendships the way full-time staff do over lunch or tea.

3) Nice freebies. You know what I mean. We all know suppliers, clients and business associates send gifts to whoever is holding certain portfolios as goodwill gestures. Quit your job today and all your freebies will be going to the person taking over your position. Freelancers never even get a sniff of these....because you are not representing any important organisation and are not in a decision-making position. In fact, when you attend meetings, don't be surprised to overhear not-so-subdued remarks of : Who's that again? Oh, just a freelancer/supplier.

4) Mental stimulation/interaction. Not from colleagues, but the rest of the industry. People don't forward you the latest happenings in the industry to keep you updated or invite you along for industry-related events. You'd need to be on the ball constantly so as not to miss out on what's new. Even then, you'll never quite catch up, unless you are an excellent networker.

5) Team assistance. Computer trouble? Got a splitting headache? Need input on a project you're working on? Hard luck- it's all DIY.

6) Recognition and feedback. The only way you can now whether your work is any good is when your clients keep coming back or you start getting referrals. I've been lucky on this though, as I happen to work with some really caring editors and clients (you know who you are if you're reading this!), who take the trouble to tell me how an article can be improved and when they like a certain piece.

So have I ever considered working for others? Yes, of course, for all the reasons above. But then again, I've come to realise that I'd be giving up more than I bargained for if I ever trade my freelance job for full-time employment. I don't want to give up:

- Long chats and loud laughter over the phone
- Gardening
- Morning walks
- The flexi-hours
- Working without having someone breathing down my neck

Am I lucky to be a successful freelancer? Perhaps...but luck is only one percent of the equation. To make freelancing to work, you must really want it to. Are you prepared to give up those perks I mentioned (and those I didn't, like getting to wear pretty clothes to work, shopping during long Friday lunches, carrying impressive positons on your call-card)?

It's not always about the money. It's the quality of life you want. The more you want it to work, the higher the likelihood it will. Sure enough I've got my fair share of regrets, but it'll take more than a super-duper salary to make me a full-timer.

Tara Barker

It was 2000, the year when Malaysian Women's Weekly (MWW) was newly introduced to the stores. It was one of the many women's magazines competing for readership, alongside a whole host of magazines on beauty, health, travel, cars, gadgets, you-name-it.

I was thirty, have just had my third baby and was in a state of depression, not post-natal but more because of the financial state we were in. Three children, no job, nothing to look forward to.

I knew things were bad because I had started to recognise each of my neighbours' car sounds. At 8am, one neighbour will be starting her car to go to work. This lady came back at 6pm daily, while her husband leaves for the office a little later and came home close to midnight.

Another car sound meant that another neighbour was getting ready to send his wife to work. This guy had opted for early retirement at the age of 40 after a bad accident, hence he gets to enjoy insurance benefits even without having to work. His wife worked at a supermarket just down the hill where we stayed.

And so on it went. All I could think of in those days was 'everyone is doing something and going somewhere- except me'. I felt trapped and helpless.

That was when I decided to learn how to use the computer. The Word document was a daily experiment, as I struggled to type as fast as I thought. More so when I had to juggle computer 'lessons' with caring for 3 little kids in the background.

I surfed the internet for ways on how to make a living with freelance writing. The top 2 tips were almost always the same- study the publication and get in touch with the editor.

When I read MWW for the first time,  deep down I knew I wanted to write for them. I emailed several story ideas to the magazine editor, as recommended by online sources. But no reply came. It was a disappointing start.

When I bought my next issue of MWW, I noticed an ad inside about some workshop that the magazine was organising. It struck me that this would be the perfect chance for me to meet the editor-in-chief, Tara Barker! My application form and payment was sent within 24 hours.

It was an excellent workshop, by any standards, yet all I did was try to ascertain which one was Tara. And I was shaking, partly due to the cold air-conditioning system, partly because I was scared out of my wits! I've never met an editor before and I had no idea what to say!

During a tea-break, I nervously asked a girl holding a camera (Elizabeth Soong) whether she worked for MWW and which one was Tara. She kindly pointed out a Caucasian lady who was talking to someone. When I told her I wanted to write for MWW, Elizabeth led me over to Tara and introduced me to her.

Very nervously I stammered, "I'm a freelance writer and I love MWW. I'd.. l'd love to write for you."

Tara gazed at me for a moment (probably because I looked ashen!) before asking if I had experience. I told her I was new to writing but I had many story ideas and was a fast-learner. When I mentioned that my emails to her had gone unnoticed, she was very apologetic. Handing me her call card, she told me to write to her using her direct email, promising to get back to me with a reply.

To cut a long story short, Tara replied my emails following that incident. They didn't take many of the story ideas I pitched to them, but she started giving me stories instead.

The assignments grew and grew, until 2003 when Tara finally told me she was tired of micro-managing my ad-hoc invoices.

"How about becoming our contract writer? This way, you'd get to take care of your babies and yet have a regular income writing for us," she said on the phone.

She probably did not realise the impact those words had on me. They meant a sense of security, a promise of monthly revenue without having to sacrifice my maternal responsibilities.

It was the perfect solution for any work-from-home mom, one that was not easily available in Malaysia where employers still see the need to have staff in the office 5 days a week to ensure work gets done. Tara had trusted me like no other, giving me an opportunity to turn my life around.

Fast forward to 2011.

I terminated my retainer contract with MWW just a year ago when I felt I should perhaps give way to someone who needed retainer work more than I did. Ten years of writing had helped in establishing myself as a freelance writer and I want other freelancers to enjoy the privilege I once did.

But I'll never forget the first time I met Tara and the way she changed my life. Truth be told, I never knew her personally because we met less than 5 times over the last decade; yet she always has a kind word for me when we met.

I hear she's a strict boss who is a stickler for discipline and deadlines, so in a way, I'm glad I'm not a full-time staff. But that's what made it all the more meaningful. She never knew me, but she gave me the opportunity of a lifetime. How many people would do that for a total stranger?

If you're a MWW fan/reader, you may know that MWW's slogan is 'For women who want it all'. What you may not know is that Tara, as the editor-in-chief, embraces this philosophy by encouraging women to strive for their full potential. That's why MWW often features inspirational stories of women- so that readers will also be inspired to do things they never knew they could.

Are you another Tara Barker? If you are someone in authority, remember you have the power to make a difference in someone else's life. Like Tara, you could have saved a marriage and a family from falling apart. You could have given another woman the much-needed self-confidence to move into uncharted waters.

For all the Tara's out there, I salute you. For the rest of us, we'll never know if something we did had made us a Tara of sorts. Perhaps there's a hidden Tara in each of us, waiting to be let out.

Happy New Year and may 2011 be a glorious year ahead!

The starfish on the beach

Ever read about the guy who walks on the beach picking up starfish that were washed up to shore? Every time he finds one, he picks it up and throws it back into the sea.

One fellow who saw him doing this decided to stop him and ask, "Why are you doing this?"

The starfish picker said ,"They'll dry up and die if we don't toss them back into the sea."

"But there are thousands of starfish on the beach. How can you make a difference to all of them?"

The starfish guy looked at the starfish he just picked up. As he threw it into the sea, he said,"Well, it makes a difference to this one."

I've always loved this tale because it reminds me that the small things we do can make a huge difference to someone's life. We may not be able to save the world- but by a small action, we would have saved someone's world.

This will be my leading resolution for 2011 (alongside others like waking up earlier, sticking to my exercise programme, taking 5 minutes for self-affirmation daily)- picking up starfish on the beach.

It's easy to get discouraged when the things we do does not get feedback or does not seem to work. Sometimes all we need is just one teenie weenee boost- whether a phone call, text message, hard-written note tucked away somewhere. What I'm going to do in 2011 is to blog about people who are an inspiration in some way or other.

Some people inspire others through their work; others through their strong fighting spirit; still others just by being who they are. I've met so many along my life travels, yet only now I realise I'm not giving them full credit by highlighting their impact on my life.

What has been holding me back? Well....they might be embarrassed. Or annoyed. Even angry...who knows? But a good story deserves to be told, even when it goes against the grain.

Perhaps their story will inspire you too. Perhaps it might push you to do something for someone that will change their lives. Perhaps it will ignite you to do something that gets you one step closer to your dreams.

If and when that happens, I'd have successfully saved one more starfish on the beach.

Life's Countdown

In another 2 weeks, there'll be fireworks and rejoicing as another year comes to an end and another new one begins. Ever wondered if this is your last Auld Lang Syne?

Today marks Ma's 32 th anniversary. Seems like yesterday when we were at the funeral parlour, running around and wondering why was everyone so sombre. We knew something terrible had happened, but as kids, it was difficult to know how ma's death would impact us.

I was eight then, while Kor was 11, little Sum just turned 6 and Ping was just a baby of 2. Did I grow up overnight, being Big Sister? Or did I get caught in a time warp, forever trapped in that fateful moment of losing ma? Because since then, death has become a shadow that haunted me. I grew up believing I'd be next. Of course, everyone dies someday, but I thought I knew when my time would be- 1994.

Why 1994? The child back then made some calculations - apparently my grandmother died at the tender age of 30, while my ma died at 32. It sounds ridiculous now (since I safely survived that age), but my 8-year-old mind back then firmly concluded that my turn would be at 34.

This has resulted in both good and bad repercussions, of course. Knowing (or guessing ) that my days were numbered made me critically aware of passing time. With each year, I asked myself if I'd fulfilled my resolutions, whether I'm better off than the year before. It became a mad race- against myself.

So it came to be that I embraced carpe diem as my life philosophy. I got married young and had children quickly, thinking or fearing that if I didn't, I'd miss out on the chance to experience what was touted as a woman's rite of passage. And I bought my first house, car, insurance plans, etc early...believing that if I didn't, I might never have the chance later.

2004 was a year of much apprehension. I left careful instructions with my husband and children every time I left for a trip, always thinking I might not come back alive. Yet I always did.

And so my 34th year passed me by uneventfully. So did my 34th, 35th, 36th birthdays....till today. At 40 this year, I've even stopped counting. Why bother? I almost feel like Superwoman, ready to do the things I never did, ready to save the world!

Yet, it all came back to me today when I heard about a friend, Anna B's passing. We went to her house in Ampang this morning, only to find that they have left for the burial ground in Seremban. Suddenly I'm reminded of my earlier days, the countdown syndrome I used to have. Could it be that I lived a more meaningful life when I thought my days were numbered?

Perhaps I forgave faster? Or was kinder in my thoughts and deeds? Or had better priorities? Or injected more passion into whatever I did? Or spent more time with people and things that mattered?

In the last few years, I've even developed the tendency to think/say 'This can wait'. Like calling Anna B during this year's Hari Raya if I'd known it was her last. Like visiting her family last night instead of waiting till this morning. Like sending an email to someone to say I forgive him/her. Like writing this blog so that others can read, learn, laugh or cry. How much time DO I have?

I asked MM, a close friend who has worked at hospitals for the last 2 decades, whether she feels people will live better lives if they knew their days were numbered. Surprisingly, she disagreed. "I see it all the time. Cancer patients who've been given a time frame tend to focus more on dying than living the best of their remaining days. It's human nature," she said.

Just live each day as if it was your last, she said. Make everyday a countdown. Make everyday matter.

I'm going to sleep over that thought tonight. Ma and Anna B, may you both rest in peace.

Anyway - Martina McBride

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!

I love this song- it epitomises everything I believe in. On days when you feel you're at crossroads, when you're torn between two loves, when you wonder if anything will ever change, when you feel you're stuck in a rut- turn up the volume and soak in the lyrics.

Afterall, what could be the worse that could happen? Just do it ANYWAY!

Write away

So you're a writer! What's your blog- can't wait to read it...

Err..my blog is kinda pathetic at the moment; there's nothing substantial in there.

How come? Since writing comes so easily to you, surely you can blog with one, no, make that both, eyes closed!

Good point. But how can I explain that I spend so much time glued to the computer that most days (or rather nights), I can't wait to shut down and do something else apart from writing? At times, it almost feels like my laptop and I have merged into one, considering we now share almost everything - from my work to family photos to upcoming projects and everything in between.

Hence the sad state of my blog. Blogging (read, more writing) needs time (even if done half-asleep). Precious, precious time. Can I afford it?

But it seems like the choice is no longer mine. Why and how is a long story, which explains my blog title. So many stories need to be told, so many voices plead to be heard. Not just mine, but from every corner of the world.

Time to bring those voices out.
Time to be brave.
Time for change.
Are you with me?

VISION KERAJAAN MSIA EMPOWER FOR CHANGE

KESAKSAMAAN UNTUK WANITA

• Allowance for Home Ministers
• Flexible working hours
• Work from home arrangement
• Nurseries at work places
• Implementation of minimal wages
• Quality education
• Community spirit

PERSEKITARAN YANG SELAMAT

• Basic rights
• Eradication of corruption
• Quality public transportation system
• Safe homes for all
• Less dependance on foreign workforce -domestic helpers and contractors
• Eradication of ISA

The world of politics

No, I'm not in politics. Not yet anyhow. Yet this 4-day session at the Menjana Kuasa Wanita (EMPOWER) seminar is threatening to drag me into uncharted waters.

Shall I test waters first...or just dive in the deep, hopefully to come afloat and teach more people to swim? Only time shall tell...

But it has been an interesting two days- so far. The crowd consists of women who are keen to dabble in politics. Yes, the idea is to train enough women who are keen to enter politics and make a difference in the lives of others.

Some are already local councillors; others are actively involved in their own political parties; still others are just trying it out for size. What's obvious is this is a selection process. Afterall, it takes a woman of substance to endure the cruelties of political life. The country, the people need leaders who can stand up to those challenges, without crumbling under the tremendous emotional and societal pressures.

One thing I must say- women in politics (or wannabes) seem to have some things in common: they're loud, highly-charged, often angry. Angry in the good way though. Afterall, how can anything be done without having enough fire in the belly?

So yes, there has been a lot of disagreements (beautifully masked as constructive debate), creative ideas, learning, sharing and more. Anfd lots of noise, noise and more noise. Enough to last me for the rest of the year, thank you.

But more later. Let's talk about our imaginary country's Mission and Vision first...